Primary Military Specialty: Assassin's Journal|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Primary Military Specialty: Assassin's LiveJournal:
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|Saturday, July 13th, 2002|
Okay so I'm really tired of looking at this journal. So much shit is written in here I wish I could take back ...set of fire ...and just watch burn. I see all this shit, how in love I was, how fucking stupid and blind I was...
and it hurts.
You guys get the point...
My new journal black_sails
|Wednesday, July 10th, 2002|
mauhdhhsha ::mouth foamage:: mahgfha!!
1:00 a.m. GI Joe
See All Showings Countdown for Zarton
|Sunday, July 7th, 2002|
|Friday, July 5th, 2002|
Today is a beautiful day!
Life has been so weird lately... Lows like I could never believed I could take; highs that almost make everything seem okay. Took a 30 mph fall on my skateboard (mo-ped + skateboard = pain! " gleaming the cube u hath lied to me!!!) but that's okay because I found a Goonies dvd on sale for 9.95!!! ( special features, special features, special features!) and somehow that makes it all okay in my book, plus for some reason it almost feels like my body wanted to feel how I felt on the inside :( not good times
BUT I'm better now!
In my head I think I've already forgiven Siera... I don't know, after everything I just can't hold grudges against people I've cared about, maybe I'm still drunk from last night but nah I really feel this deep down. Its not like after knowing her for almost a year I don't understand her, I know she was trying for the best, just followed the wrong path... it happens sometimes.
Hehe now the really really good news... okay good and bad. My bestist best friend in the whole wide world since I was 10 moved to Gainesville 4 years ago, needless to say I haven't really got to spend as much time as I'd of liked to with him, well after graduating he was all set to go to Japan for a year... awesome for him!! Sad for me... but shit got fucked up which is bad, cuz that of been great for him, but now hes coming to stay down here and get his masters!!! I GOT MY BEST FRIEND BACK!!!!
mahahahaha later, I feel like dancing...
|Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002|
| (the truth)(and the lies)
all that out of the way...
Siera... I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, I do hope you find happieness.
(this journal has to many things that fill me with sadeness now, someone pls hlp me get a new one.)
|Sunday, June 30th, 2002|
[random thoughts of today.]
why the fuck am I allowing myself to be put through this...
god I want to punch this kid in the face
man it be cool to be asian
hmm I think I am a little bit black...
I wish my old nes still worked
and I wish my power glove worked like in "the wizard", fucking false advertising.
what the hell is going on in my life
why did my heart die
is siera gonna call me today...
how to fix... can it, do I want it to be...
woo look at me skateboard, kickflip landed... hmm guess no one cares... you try then bitchs
this girl is drunk
i miss bevis & butthead
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
okay thats enough of this shit
|Monday, June 24th, 2002|
|see you after the world
I really don't know how to explain whats going on in my life. Doors are closing that I don't want to shut. I'm losing my girlfriend and I can't seem to find anything to grasp onto as I fall. Right before she came to stay with me I found out she cheated on me. I guess I always wanted to believe our relationship was based on some kind of "true love" like in the princess bride. A type of love that would get us through the hardest of times and bond us even tighter when it was all through and nothing stood in our way. I guess it was a good innocent way of thinking of our future. Deep down though I knew that it probably be some mad fucking good luck if we managed to wade through all the shit the distance caused and come out clean in the end. So the truth is I can't really blame her, and I told her so. If nothing else I just want her to be happy... But did I feel sad, heartbreaken sorrow, and all that other gut wrenching shit? Ya it fucking hurt so bad... but then it was only a couple days until I got to see her again, this huge event I had been dreaming about ever since I knew I had those kind of feelings for her. So, I just let it all go white, swept it under the carpet...
Well she came... and I ended up feeling like a dick. I don't know why really... things were just off... maybe her heart wasn't really into it once she saw me... I don't know. Maybe my heart is still fucking hurt and no matter how much the rest of my body screams not to show it somehow it burns a hole right through me and currpts everything... whatever it is, I wish I could take it all back and do it again... Id really like to get it right... but maybe I just cant... its a 50/50 thing... both our hearts have to be into it... if not it just not fun, and if anything I want our relationship to be fun, and I want her to feel loved...
bla okay I've ranted enough... I just wish I didn't feel like such a fucking asshole...
|Wednesday, June 12th, 2002|
... so much I could write right now ::closes eyes/tear::
|Saturday, June 8th, 2002|
|Friday, June 7th, 2002|
I'm related to this guy who found all this pirate treasure and now is like a bazillionar... I was thinkg I needa find me some pirate treasure too
Life is peachy F U for judging me!!!1 hehe
|Sunday, June 2nd, 2002|
|ths took a long time 2 write
Life is really weird you know? Our trials and tribulations that make us who we are. No one ever said a long distance relationship would be easy; and of course it isn't. Sometimes I just can't help but feel like I play such a small role in her day-to-day life :( Liek if she's sick I can't be there to make her soup. If she needs a hug I can't give her one. The whole psychical side of our relationship is non existent. It hurts sometimes. Like today her cell phone must of been at the bottom of her purse because it called me and no one was there, but then I could hear the background noise of her at her friends party talking about meeting Drew Carry last night. After I figured out what had happened I hung up not wanting to pry but the whole thing kinda left me in this haze. It was weird listening to Siera living her life, at this party, talking to people, then I realized just how much we really do miss out on each others lives. So I go outside to think, and I'm skating down this pitch black sidewalks while people are off getting ready for bed, (best time to think) thinking about how it all started, where its going, and how it might end. In the end I decided this:
"All you need is love." ... and that I know I have for her.
The distance, the hardships, everything all counts for something. Living thousands of miles away from this girl who has my heart might possible the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But theres a reason you'll endure hard things. Sometimes I have this dream about how it'll be a year from now, it makes me smile, I look over my shoulder and there she is :)
Enough rambling I'm starting the countdown: 16
|Thursday, May 30th, 2002|
u know how small things can make a day g8 outta nowhere? Phone range, people wanted me to go wakeboarding, went for a little bit, had a fucking beuitful run, threw my first ever whirly bird -- didn't land it but damn it felt good. Then did flips of the top of the boat house, good times all around. <3( See picture of big gay man doing whirlybirdCollapse )
|Tuesday, May 28th, 2002|
Siera's not feeling to well and I'm a little bit worried, I guess she knows best though. I hate missing out on all those times when I could be with her and try to make her feel better.
|Monday, May 27th, 2002|
Cuz I'm a vonster responsible vor missing camp councilors.
Old man of the river who charged us a fucking shit load to rent his house does not have good form! I'm so sad now. I just layed in bed and realized I forgot my pillows at the house and I don't think he'll make the effort 2 send 'em to me! Omg I very well might cry... So soft, so amazingly soft...
He'll send me my pillows or die, that's all there is to it... I
|Friday, May 24th, 2002|
Shit its already getting late and I still need to do some math homework, pack, burn a cd so me and brad can rock out on long drive 2 the river. This weekend I am out mother fuckers! It's gonna be so fun (rope swing, need I say more?) L8r
|Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002|
I was out skateboarding and happened upon this 10 year old playing bb. So I challenged him to a duel! Sep he kicked my ass very badly and worst part was I was trying my hardest and I am twice the size of him :( I just want to take this time to tell all 10 year old basketball playing freaks out there that I will own u and that u can not hide from me. Thx
|Sunday, May 19th, 2002|
|Friday, May 17th, 2002|
All right there are a couple big things that are bothering me right now. Yesterday my mom talked to Siera grandma, until that point Siera was set to fly down on my birthday and stay with us for a week. After that I was going to drive her across the state to her moms house. Well during my moms conversation with her grandma my mom managed to express numerous reasons as to why Siera's Grandma probably shouldn't let Siera stay... WTF WTF WTF MOM??!! I still have no fucking clue why!!? Are my parents two faced or just fucking idiots? They flat out told Siera's grandma they weren't responsible supervisors and made it seem like she wasn't welcome. I said WTF mom/dad, I talked to you guys countless times about Siera staying and you said it was all good. And wtf is this about my car breaking down? My jeep has never ever had one single problem in my four years of owning it now!!! So I really don't know what to think. Is my mom sabotaging Siera coming and trying to look innocent, is Siera's Grandma possible manipulating the situation too? What is going on here...
I almost just don't care anymore, I mean its wearing me down. My whole family is wearing me down. My dad is pretty much an alcoholic materialistic jerk, my brother is an idiot, jerk, asshole, shit head, my mom is digging my love life into a grave for no apparent reason... and I hate the fact that I'm so dependent on all of them. Because really id love to just brush my hands and be done with all of them. And at the same time I love them for tons of reasons. But man is it getting close to time for me to move out.
(rest of post deleted)