Primary Military Specialty: Assassin (bornagainst) wrote,
Primary Military Specialty: Assassin

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see you after the world

I really don't know how to explain whats going on in my life. Doors are closing that I don't want to shut. I'm losing my girlfriend and I can't seem to find anything to grasp onto as I fall. Right before she came to stay with me I found out she cheated on me. I guess I always wanted to believe our relationship was based on some kind of "true love" like in the princess bride. A type of love that would get us through the hardest of times and bond us even tighter when it was all through and nothing stood in our way. I guess it was a good innocent way of thinking of our future. Deep down though I knew that it probably be some mad fucking good luck if we managed to wade through all the shit the distance caused and come out clean in the end. So the truth is I can't really blame her, and I told her so. If nothing else I just want her to be happy... But did I feel sad, heartbreaken sorrow, and all that other gut wrenching shit? Ya it fucking hurt so bad... but then it was only a couple days until I got to see her again, this huge event I had been dreaming about ever since I knew I had those kind of feelings for her. So, I just let it all go white, swept it under the carpet...

Well she came... and I ended up feeling like a dick. I don't know why really... things were just off... maybe her heart wasn't really into it once she saw me... I don't know. Maybe my heart is still fucking hurt and no matter how much the rest of my body screams not to show it somehow it burns a hole right through me and currpts everything... whatever it is, I wish I could take it all back and do it again... Id really like to get it right... but maybe I just cant... its a 50/50 thing... both our hearts have to be into it... if not it just not fun, and if anything I want our relationship to be fun, and I want her to feel loved...

bla okay I've ranted enough... I just wish I didn't feel like such a fucking asshole...

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